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Clean Joke Thread

chicagoinventor's Avatarg8_badge

Thought I’d start a thread for jokes and cartoons. Please give credit to the originator of the joke, if you know it.

Since we’re trying to become professional inventors, we’ll need to behave professionally by keeping the jokes clean and not offensive to any groups. Plenty of places on the web to post the dirty stuff.

Kathleen C
Geraldine Duchatelier
RALPH MARCARELLI
Stephanie Beck
williamj
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chicagoinventor's Avatarg8_badge

“Did you hear about the Midwestern man who loved his wife very much? He loved her so much, he almost told her.”

Bob Newhart

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kdc's Avatar

We need a laugh meter here.

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magurn's Avataren_staff_badge

Did you hear the one about the sidewalk? Its all over town! :)

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allig's Avatarg8_badge

It was Bob’s first day in prison (it really is clean, I promise!). He was in the cafeteria having lunch with the other inmates when a man stood up and yelled out, “49!” Afterwards, everyone burst out laughing. Then another inmate yelled, “17!” And again, everyone laughed. Then another inmate called out, “35!” And everyone was rolling in hysterics.

Finally, Bob turned to the man next to him and asked what was so funny. The man said we’ve told all our jokes so many times everyone has them memorized, so whenever we want to tell a joke, we just call out the number and everyone laughs at the joke.

So Bob stands up and yells out, “49!” Everyone was silent and did nothing. Bob sat back down and said, I don’t understand. When the other guy called out 49, everyone burst out laughing. The man looked at Bob and said, well, some people can tell a joke and some can’t.

~Don’t know the source, but I heard it from my dad.

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kdc's Avatar

Where is the ocean the deepest?
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At the bottom.

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allig's Avatarg8_badge

Ba dum chhhhht

:P

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jdowney9000's Avatar

When a pirate has a boo boo; he goes to the E"Arrr".

Some say a pirates favorite letter is the “R”. But it’s actually the “sea”

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Alli my dad told me that joke as well. … what if we have/had the same dads?
Michael, that one could be offensive to the now;)
Kathleen, your joke might be just a wee bit long?
Jacob, don’t remember falling off my “Arrs”, and hearing the sea one ..thank you:)
Just trying to keep it clean and lean like a joke telling machine. Thanks Daniel for helping to remind everyone here, they are on the world wide web (do they still call it that?).

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

“G” was walking through the EN Headquarters with “7” when all of a sudden… G8 him! =O

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mykzrock's Avatar

For those of you familiar with Hippa (health care field)….here’s a “knock ,knock” joke…..
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Hippa.
Hippa who?
I can’t tell you……

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williamj's Avatargold

Ya had me laffin’ Susan !!! LoL

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Here’s another golf joke, that I may be able to put here.

Two friends out playing golf and the first one, tees up his ball and hits it right (slice) out of the fairway.
second guy, hits his ball left (hook) out of the fairway.

1st golfer finds his ball in a patch of Buttercups. He attempts to hit it out of the buttercups. three or four practice swings and he hears this voice: I am Mother Nature and look what you have done to my beautiful Buttercups? For that. the rest of your life you shall have no more butter"
Just then his friend yells across the fairway “I found my ball” It’s in the pussy willows.
1st guy replies: Don’t Hit It!!!!!!

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williamj's Avatargold

: X (snicker_snicker) LoL

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jamesritchey's Avatar

2 cannibals are eating a clown the one looks to the other and asks " Does this taste funny to you?"

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gadgetmanken's Avatargold

11 lol

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jdowney9000's Avatar

Why was the students report card wet?

Because his grades were below “C” level.

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kdc's Avatar

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williamj's Avatargold

Kathleen…. shut_up

LoLoLoLoL !!!

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kdc's Avatar

William I got a kick out of that one because it just reminds me of myself. Every time I walk in from outside. The first thing I say is, ‘Stupid summer’ or ‘Stupid hot weather, it’s 180 degrees out there’.

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rodneyj's Avatargold

“A Farmer was leaning against his fence and his cat was sitting on top of the fence post in the morning watching his horse in the field running around .
And the Farmer from next door walked over to say hi to the other Framer to say and the Farmer that walked over is hard of hearing and notice the other Framer was watching this horse run around in the field.
And the Farmer that is hard of hearing asked the other Framer with the cat what do feed your horse and Farmer said oats and at the same time the cat meow.
And the Farmer that was visiting answered back
and said so you’ll feed your horse Oat Meow? "

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mykzrock's Avatar

What did the farmer say when he saw the cow crossing the road?
He said " The cow is crossing the road." :)

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kdc's Avatar

Two cows, Daisy and Dolly, are in a field. Daisy says, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. Daisy says, ‘It’s true, no bull!’

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kdc's Avatar

It’s not my fault…Susan started with the cow jokes!

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were walking through a field when they met a cow. ‘That’s an English cow,’ said the Englishman. ‘No,’ said the Irishman, ‘that’s definitely an Irish cow.’ ‘You’re both wrong,’ said the Scotsman, ‘it’s a Scottish cow – look, it’s got bagpipes underneath.’

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Cattle were out grazing in the pasture. Thunder roared, lightning struck the earth and the ground shook. All the cows fell, but the bulls just swayed back and forth.
This happened a few more times.
The thunder roared, lightning struck the earth and all the cows fell, while the bulls just swayed back and forth.
Finally one of the cows asked the big bull, Why is it every time the lightning hits the earth and the ground shakes, it knocks us off our feet, and you bulls just sway?
The Bull replied: “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down”

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”

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kdc's Avatar

Thanks for that one Charlie. I’ve always remembered that punch line but was never able to remember the joke.

David…your joke reminded me of this one:

Telephone ringing……..Hello, this is the police department, can I help you?

GEORGE. My neighbor Fred is hiding marijuana in his wood pile. Some how he is hiding it inside the wood, not sure how he is doing it.

POLICE. Thank you very much, we will check into it.

The police arrive at the neighbors house with a search warrent and search the wood pile. They find no marijuana so they split each piece of wood into several smaller pieces. Finding no marijuana they leave.

Telephone ringing………Hello, this is Fred.

GEORGE. Hi Fred did the police come to your house and split all of your fire wood for you?

FRED. Yes they did George.

GEORGE. Happy Birthday Fred.

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inovate's Avataree_badge

These jokes all bring me back to when I was a wee lad. Thank you all, and extra thanks to Daniel for starting this thread.
Frank yours reminded me of anther oldie.
Two guys out hiking in the desert, and one gets bit by a rattlesnake on the tally wacker.
His friend runs as fast as he can to town. There he talk to a doctor to find out what to do. Doctor told him, you slice the wound with a knife and suck out the poison.
He immediately runs back to his friend,.

With his last breaths, his friend asked what did the doctor say?
He replied…..Doctor says your gonna die:(

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kdc's Avatar

Charlie…don’t think for one minute, you edited your joke before I read it….LOL!

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Kathleen, I’m guilty of editing, but in my defense. I momentarily lost myself. I didn’t know I was in the clean joke thread. my mistake.Tally wacker is probably better then thingamabob………..or even nuts. Thanks for keeping me clean.
That time I gave you three minutes to post. Then I edited and unedited before you knew what happened:)
Have a great night Kathleen and to all a goodnight.
Aloha Charlie

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kdc's Avatar

Ok….I thought maybe you were talking with William on the phone when you posted and he told you to do it. Ok, you’re innocent…but William is another story.

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williamj's Avatargold

I just phoned Charlie to ask if he had gotten his wood split yet.

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kdc's Avatar

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now..

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kdc's Avatar

The other day, William went to the Patent Office trying to register some of his inventions.
He told the lady at the desk that he invented a folding bottle. She asked what was it called.
“A Fottle,” William said.
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She snickered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”

William was so upset by her comment that he grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about his folding bucket.

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williamj's Avatargold

I don’t know when or how but……

LoLoLoLoL !!!!

Hmmm… a folding bucket list.

: /

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kdc's Avatar

You’re a good sport William…you allow me to harass you, poke you with sticks, alter your avatar,star you in my jokes and blame you for everything…and you’ve never once gave me a slap up the side of my head. Oh…I sound like a bully…well, at least I didn’t give you an atomic wedgie….yet! ;)

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williamj's Avatargold

Laughter is the bestest of all gifts that one person is able to give another. And you have gifted me more that I could possibly return.

and I’ll get you for it !!! (winkie_winkie)

LoLoL !!!

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kdc's Avatar

Promises, promises!

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kdc's Avatar

In the patents office:

“I’d like to patent my new invention. It’s an automatic shaving machine. You simply insert your head and then you are shaved by two extremely sharp razors.”

“How can that work? The contours of every human face are different.”

“Yes, but only the first time.”

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jdowney9000's Avatar

What’s another name for long term investment?
A failed short term investment.

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

Was thinking about taking up hunting today…then I realized…I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

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kdc's Avatar

David…everyone know sandwitches live in sand castles!

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williamj's Avatargold

Beware beware…. everybody know that sandwitches are know for casting some very nasty spells.

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inovate's Avataree_badge

There are some really nice one’s that hang over here in the sandwitch isles.

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kdc's Avatar

Flying through the Black Forest ham.

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williamj's Avatargold

Black Forest ham sandwitches !?!?!?

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kdc's Avatar

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williamj's Avatargold

KATHLEEN !!! you peeked !!!

(that’s a daddy’s super secret sacramental tradition !!!)

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kdc's Avatar

Opps…sorry!

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williamj's Avatargold

you’ve got a point there David. LoL

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