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Clean Joke Thread

chicagoinventor's Avatarg8_badge

Thought I’d start a thread for jokes and cartoons. Please give credit to the originator of the joke, if you know it.

Since we’re trying to become professional inventors, we’ll need to behave professionally by keeping the jokes clean and not offensive to any groups. Plenty of places on the web to post the dirty stuff.

Kathleen C
Geraldine Duchatelier
RALPH MARCARELLI
Stephanie Beck
williamj
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chicagoinventor's Avatarg8_badge

“Did you hear about the Midwestern man who loved his wife very much? He loved her so much, he almost told her.”

Bob Newhart

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kdc's Avatar

We need a laugh meter here.

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magurn's Avataren_staff_badge

Did you hear the one about the sidewalk? Its all over town! :)

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allig's Avatarg8_badge

It was Bob’s first day in prison (it really is clean, I promise!). He was in the cafeteria having lunch with the other inmates when a man stood up and yelled out, “49!” Afterwards, everyone burst out laughing. Then another inmate yelled, “17!” And again, everyone laughed. Then another inmate called out, “35!” And everyone was rolling in hysterics.

Finally, Bob turned to the man next to him and asked what was so funny. The man said we’ve told all our jokes so many times everyone has them memorized, so whenever we want to tell a joke, we just call out the number and everyone laughs at the joke.

So Bob stands up and yells out, “49!” Everyone was silent and did nothing. Bob sat back down and said, I don’t understand. When the other guy called out 49, everyone burst out laughing. The man looked at Bob and said, well, some people can tell a joke and some can’t.

~Don’t know the source, but I heard it from my dad.

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kdc's Avatar

Where is the ocean the deepest?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
At the bottom.

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allig's Avatarg8_badge

Ba dum chhhhht

:P

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jdowney9000's Avatar

When a pirate has a boo boo; he goes to the E"Arrr".

Some say a pirates favorite letter is the “R”. But it’s actually the “sea”

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Alli my dad told me that joke as well. … what if we have/had the same dads?
Michael, that one could be offensive to the now;)
Kathleen, your joke might be just a wee bit long?
Jacob, don’t remember falling off my “Arrs”, and hearing the sea one ..thank you:)
Just trying to keep it clean and lean like a joke telling machine. Thanks Daniel for helping to remind everyone here, they are on the world wide web (do they still call it that?).

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

“G” was walking through the EN Headquarters with “7” when all of a sudden… G8 him! =O

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mykzrock's Avatar

For those of you familiar with Hippa (health care field)….here’s a “knock ,knock” joke…..
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Hippa.
Hippa who?
I can’t tell you……

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williamj's Avatargold

Ya had me laffin’ Susan !!! LoL

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Here’s another golf joke, that I may be able to put here.

Two friends out playing golf and the first one, tees up his ball and hits it right (slice) out of the fairway.
second guy, hits his ball left (hook) out of the fairway.

1st golfer finds his ball in a patch of Buttercups. He attempts to hit it out of the buttercups. three or four practice swings and he hears this voice: I am Mother Nature and look what you have done to my beautiful Buttercups? For that. the rest of your life you shall have no more butter"
Just then his friend yells across the fairway “I found my ball” It’s in the pussy willows.
1st guy replies: Don’t Hit It!!!!!!

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williamj's Avatargold

: X (snicker_snicker) LoL

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jamesritchey's Avatar

2 cannibals are eating a clown the one looks to the other and asks " Does this taste funny to you?"

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gadgetmanken's Avatargold

11 lol

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jdowney9000's Avatar

Why was the students report card wet?

Because his grades were below “C” level.

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kdc's Avatar

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williamj's Avatargold

Kathleen…. shut_up

LoLoLoLoL !!!

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kdc's Avatar

William I got a kick out of that one because it just reminds me of myself. Every time I walk in from outside. The first thing I say is, ‘Stupid summer’ or ‘Stupid hot weather, it’s 180 degrees out there’.

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rodneyj's Avatargold

“A Farmer was leaning against his fence and his cat was sitting on top of the fence post in the morning watching his horse in the field running around .
And the Farmer from next door walked over to say hi to the other Framer to say and the Farmer that walked over is hard of hearing and notice the other Framer was watching this horse run around in the field.
And the Farmer that is hard of hearing asked the other Framer with the cat what do feed your horse and Farmer said oats and at the same time the cat meow.
And the Farmer that was visiting answered back
and said so you’ll feed your horse Oat Meow? "

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mykzrock's Avatar

What did the farmer say when he saw the cow crossing the road?
He said " The cow is crossing the road." :)

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kdc's Avatar

Two cows, Daisy and Dolly, are in a field. Daisy says, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. Daisy says, ‘It’s true, no bull!’

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kdc's Avatar

It’s not my fault…Susan started with the cow jokes!

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were walking through a field when they met a cow. ‘That’s an English cow,’ said the Englishman. ‘No,’ said the Irishman, ‘that’s definitely an Irish cow.’ ‘You’re both wrong,’ said the Scotsman, ‘it’s a Scottish cow – look, it’s got bagpipes underneath.’

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Cattle were out grazing in the pasture. Thunder roared, lightning struck the earth and the ground shook. All the cows fell, but the bulls just swayed back and forth.
This happened a few more times.
The thunder roared, lightning struck the earth and all the cows fell, while the bulls just swayed back and forth.
Finally one of the cows asked the big bull, Why is it every time the lightning hits the earth and the ground shakes, it knocks us off our feet, and you bulls just sway?
The Bull replied: “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down”

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”

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kdc's Avatar

Thanks for that one Charlie. I’ve always remembered that punch line but was never able to remember the joke.

David…your joke reminded me of this one:

Telephone ringing……..Hello, this is the police department, can I help you?

GEORGE. My neighbor Fred is hiding marijuana in his wood pile. Some how he is hiding it inside the wood, not sure how he is doing it.

POLICE. Thank you very much, we will check into it.

The police arrive at the neighbors house with a search warrent and search the wood pile. They find no marijuana so they split each piece of wood into several smaller pieces. Finding no marijuana they leave.

Telephone ringing………Hello, this is Fred.

GEORGE. Hi Fred did the police come to your house and split all of your fire wood for you?

FRED. Yes they did George.

GEORGE. Happy Birthday Fred.

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inovate's Avataree_badge

These jokes all bring me back to when I was a wee lad. Thank you all, and extra thanks to Daniel for starting this thread.
Frank yours reminded me of anther oldie.
Two guys out hiking in the desert, and one gets bit by a rattlesnake on the tally wacker.
His friend runs as fast as he can to town. There he talk to a doctor to find out what to do. Doctor told him, you slice the wound with a knife and suck out the poison.
He immediately runs back to his friend,.

With his last breaths, his friend asked what did the doctor say?
He replied…..Doctor says your gonna die:(

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kdc's Avatar

Charlie…don’t think for one minute, you edited your joke before I read it….LOL!

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Kathleen, I’m guilty of editing, but in my defense. I momentarily lost myself. I didn’t know I was in the clean joke thread. my mistake.Tally wacker is probably better then thingamabob………..or even nuts. Thanks for keeping me clean.
That time I gave you three minutes to post. Then I edited and unedited before you knew what happened:)
Have a great night Kathleen and to all a goodnight.
Aloha Charlie

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kdc's Avatar

Ok….I thought maybe you were talking with William on the phone when you posted and he told you to do it. Ok, you’re innocent…but William is another story.

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williamj's Avatargold

I just phoned Charlie to ask if he had gotten his wood split yet.

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kdc's Avatar

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now..

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kdc's Avatar

The other day, William went to the Patent Office trying to register some of his inventions.
He told the lady at the desk that he invented a folding bottle. She asked what was it called.
“A Fottle,” William said.
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She snickered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”

William was so upset by her comment that he grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about his folding bucket.

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williamj's Avatargold

I don’t know when or how but……

LoLoLoLoL !!!!

Hmmm… a folding bucket list.

: /

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kdc's Avatar

You’re a good sport William…you allow me to harass you, poke you with sticks, alter your avatar,star you in my jokes and blame you for everything…and you’ve never once gave me a slap up the side of my head. Oh…I sound like a bully…well, at least I didn’t give you an atomic wedgie….yet! ;)

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williamj's Avatargold

Laughter is the bestest of all gifts that one person is able to give another. And you have gifted me more that I could possibly return.

and I’ll get you for it !!! (winkie_winkie)

LoLoL !!!

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kdc's Avatar

Promises, promises!

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kdc's Avatar

In the patents office:

“I’d like to patent my new invention. It’s an automatic shaving machine. You simply insert your head and then you are shaved by two extremely sharp razors.”

“How can that work? The contours of every human face are different.”

“Yes, but only the first time.”

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jdowney9000's Avatar

What’s another name for long term investment?
A failed short term investment.

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

Was thinking about taking up hunting today…then I realized…I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

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kdc's Avatar

David…everyone know sandwitches live in sand castles!

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williamj's Avatargold

Beware beware…. everybody know that sandwitches are know for casting some very nasty spells.

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inovate's Avataree_badge

There are some really nice one’s that hang over here in the sandwitch isles.

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kdc's Avatar

Flying through the Black Forest ham.

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williamj's Avatargold

Black Forest ham sandwitches !?!?!?

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williamj's Avatargold

KATHLEEN !!! you peeked !!!

(that’s a daddy’s super secret sacramental tradition !!!)

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kdc's Avatar

Opps…sorry!

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williamj's Avatargold

you’ve got a point there David. LoL

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kdc's Avatar

I would live in Mayberry….I’m single, so I qualify!
Did you know Aunt Bea was the town hussey? Think about it, she went after every traveling salesman and handyman that came through town…not to mention the new preacher! Her favorite pick up line, “When was the last time you had a nice home cooked meal?”

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

AiNT BEAAAaaaaAAA!!!!

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chicagoinventor's Avatarg8_badge

How do you make a small fortune by launching products with your own money? Start with a large fortune.

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williamj's Avatargold

So true Daniel, so very true.

LoLoL

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miked's Avatar

Why did the Amish couple get divorced ? The husband kept driving the wife buggy.

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kdc's Avatar

I think I’ll get a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something I can see myself doing.

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kdc's Avatar

What is Forrest Gump’s password?
1forrest1

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inovate's Avataree_badge

What a small world, universe Kathleen.
A friend just told me that one today, then followed it with… Why do husbands get the spare tire, and wives get the rest of the car??

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kdc's Avatar

Probably because a link to those are going around on Facebook…LOL…that’s where I got it from.

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Kathleen,I love the way everything gets worldwide in moments with internet.
Michael, that’s good

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kdc's Avatar

Pandas freak me out…but, I liked that joke!

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

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kdc's Avatar

Unless….you were born on February 29th.

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

The mystery of the 29th

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kdc's Avatar

We can always count (no pun intended) on you, Michael.

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Michael I am great my friend. Thanks for asking. And you I’m sure you are enjoying Bend in the summer. What’s the temp?

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williamj's Avatargold
Uhhhh……

Micheal, me thinks that Kathleen really did intend that pun…. Ssshhhhhhhh

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radyes's Avatar

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

“The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying them”
– Abraham Lincoln

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kdc's Avatar

LOL…I like that last one, Rachel!

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kdc's Avatar

Know Your Car Warning Lights….

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

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kdc's Avatar

I just couldn’t help it…it’s too funny not to share!

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williamj's Avatargold

Michael, I don’t know what you get, but I’ll tell ya what you don’t get. You don’t get wet.

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kdc's Avatar

William…you do if there’s a hole in the boat…or raining…or a bunch of fish splashing near the boat…or if you fall out of the boat…or a river shark circles your boat and makes you pee in your pants.

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Kathleen i pee every time I see one of your post. So be nice to William, just as you are;)

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kdc's Avatar

Sorry Charlie!

HaHaHa! I’ve never said that to a real Charlie before! It kinda made me hungry for a tuna sandwich!

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inovate's Avataree_badge

You know the one.

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kdc's Avatar

I was gonna say that!
I made up my own joke when I was probably about 7 years old…when I told it to my parents, they laughed and laughed! When I got older and thought about, I realized how bad that joke was and I’m convinced they only laughed to make me feel good about it. I guess that is one of the duties of being a parent…laugh at the bad jokes your kids make up.

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inovate's Avataree_badge

I was thinking riverboat. edited named sarkisst

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inovate's Avataree_badge

starkist

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williamj's Avatargold

I like StarkissCharlie. I can see Charlie in the late of night or the dark before dawn, just looking up and wanting to kiss a star. Nothing kinky mind you. lol

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inovate's Avataree_badge

William your absolutely right. Stars, moon. I get up early everyday to enjoy them in the silence.

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kdc's Avatar

Now ya got this song going in my head for the day….

Good morning star shine, the earth says hello
You twinkle above us, we twinkle below
Good morning star shine, you lead us along
My love and me as we sing our
Early morning singin’ song

Gliddy glub gloopy nibby nabby noopy
La la la, lo lo
Sabba sibbi sabba nooby aba naba
Lee lee, lo lo
Tooby ooby wala
Nooby aba naba
Early morning singin’ song.

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle =)

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inovate's Avataree_badge

I wish I had the opportunity to meet my father in law in person. here’s one he passed on:

If marriage is such a good idea, then why do you need two witnesses and a Judge? :))

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Kathleen I lost my edit button. oH wELL
Got it back 10 minutes later

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

Bob has no arms.
Knock Knock ..
Who’s there?
Not Bob

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williamj's Avatargold

Unless Bob’s knees were doing the knocking. : /

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kdc's Avatar

I’m not answering the door!

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radyes's Avatar

Swiped these from the internet…

What has 4 legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

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kdc's Avatar

Ok, Michael….

Winniethup who?

Ahhhhahaaa! I get it!

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marcelselten's Avatar

as i was waiting on the bus a very ugly lady with a parrot on her shoulder approached me and said, if i could guess what on her shoulder she would have sex with me….
i said ok thats an elephant on your shoulder and she replies, thats also correct in my book….

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williamj's Avatargold

Back in the early 80s exotic birds were the absolute rage. They commanded unbelievably high prices. A friend of mine ventured into this business and bought a “talking” parrot from South America. The bird came fresh from the jungle with specific directions in order to make it talk.

This particular species of parrot has a very sharply hooked bill and the point of the hook interfered with its ability to talk. The instructions stated that the pointed hook needed to be very carefully filed back, as there was an artery very close to the hook, and if file too far the bird would die.

A few days later I saw my friend and asked how the bird venture was going. My friend replied that the bird had died in the attempt to file the beak back. I told my friend that they specifically said “NOT” to file the beak back too far.

My friend responded saying that he didn’t file the beak back too far, but that the bird was dead when he took it out of the vice.

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radyes's Avatar

Lol, Michael :)

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kdc's Avatar

A man comes home with two black eyes. His wife asked what happened. The man said, ‘I was riding the bus home when I noticed the woman stood up to get off the bus had her dress caught between her buttcheeks. So, to save her any embarrassment, I reached out and pulled it out for her. That’s when she turned around and socked me in the eye!"

His wife asked, “But, how did you get the other black eye?” The man answered, “Well, when I saw how upset she was that I pulled her dress out from between her butt checks…I reached over and tucked it all back in!”

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marcelselten's Avatar

what has 100 teeth and 2 eyes…..
a crocodile

what has 100 eyes and 2 teeth…..
a bus filled with old people

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kdc's Avatar

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a …case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife. ’They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans’, he replies. ‘Put them back, it’s a waste of money’, demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of …face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband… "It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it’s half the price….’

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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radyes's Avatar

Edited post. Perhaps a bit inappropriate. Woopsy daisy.

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radyes's Avatar

Nice!

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williamj's Avatargold

Cats aren’t evil… Kats are evil !!! All the Kathleen’s in the world are evil… just look at what Kathleen just did to us !!!

Evil I tell ya !!! EVIL !!!

LoLoLoL !!!

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kdc's Avatar

Whoooooooooo? Meeeeeeee? Batting my eyelashes

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

Evel Kneivel

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williamj's Avatargold

Got one that’s more of a riddle.

(just woke up this morning and there it was. : / LoLoL)

What, when it gets bigger, is actually getting smaller?

(let’s try and keep it clean now) LoL : )
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kdc's Avatar

The brain?
Or…in many cases…the head…the bigger the person’s head (ego) gets the smaller something or other gets..I know there’s something in that thought.

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williamj's Avatargold

Good solution Kathleen, the bigger the ego the less the individual (my opinion only). But not what I was thinking of.

I was thinking of Pi. The larger the number (more decimal places, i.e. 3.14 compared to 3.1415) the less value those numbers represent.

The more decimal places you add to Pi the smaller the value.

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kdc's Avatar

Why do you have to make things so confusing?

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williamj's Avatargold

It’s a gift. : )))

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kdc's Avatar

Ok Mr. Smarty pants, this is not a joke, but….check this out!

Why does your reflection stay the same size when you move further away from the mirror?

Mark out the top of your forehead and the bottom of your chin on a mirror using a whiteboard marker. Then slowly move backwards, and investigate what happens to the size of the reflection subjective to the two marks made.

Did you think the reflection would get smaller as you moved away from the mirror?

The mirror gets proportionally smaller.

The explanation is the similarity of triangles. The eye and the marks on the mirror form a triangle, while the eye and the two points on the image form another triangle. The two triangles are similar, with ratio 1/2, no matter the distance.

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williamj's Avatargold

Kathleen, I believe that,

• if you place a mirror at the end of a long hallway
• stand in front of the mirror one foot away
• have a friend mak head and chin points
• move back three feet
• have friend mark points again
• move back four feet
• have friend mark points once more

you will see that, not only will the head and chin points appear closer together the farther you move back but the points will actually appear low on the surface of the mirror.

Just my opinion from my perspective. : )

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

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williamj's Avatargold

Probably baby Bigger because baby Bigger was just a little Bigger. (GRIN)

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kdc's Avatar

After reading William’s answer four times….I finally get it…I’m going with his answer.

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks: “Oh… How did it go?”

“I nearly died of shame!” she answers. “Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”

“No… but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

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williamj's Avatargold

Off Topic

Okay Kathleen, I gotta ask… how’d you get that semi-transparent flag over your avatar?

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kdc's Avatar

It’s a feature on Facebook. http://rightwingnews.com/test/
Once I did it on Facebook. I just saved it on my computer and used it on here.
Their instructions are a bit confusing though, some people have trouble with it.
I just downloaded it then I saved it and used it that way…the easier way, the right way, the Kathleen’s way.

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

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kdc's Avatar

Is that his orange prison suit? LOL!

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

Pall Malls?? hahahaaa

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chicagoinventor's Avatarg8_badge

Remember the comedian Steven Wright? Very weird, funny and clean comic. Here are a few of his:

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

He has so many great ones, I could go on forever

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Yes Daniel, and he reminded me of another off the wall, no longer in the form comedian:) Thank you
Have a happy and safe 4th

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she replied.

“Needs ironing,” he says" “What’s for dinner?”

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kdc's Avatar

David, David, David.

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I read David’s post last night and I literally didn’t know how to reply. I just wish I had been the one to post that.

LoLoLoL !!!!

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William, William, William. =)

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You’re riding a horse at full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you and your being chased by a lion…
What do you do?

GET YOUR DRUNK BOOTY OFF THAT CAROUSEL!!

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Two guys meet up in a bar:
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!” “Woah, what happened to him?” “Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.” “What a horrible way to die!” “No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.” “What a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.” “Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!” “No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.” “Man, what a way to go!” “No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.” “Now that is one awful way to go!” “No no, he survived that…” “Hold on now, just how did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? Why did you shoot him?” “He was wrecking my house.”

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<—— (NOT going to Kathleen’s house for lunch)

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I’m not sure if this should go here or in the inspirational quotes thread, but I think it’s a better fit here.

I don’t remember where I saw this…

“If it ain’t broke…
you ain’t doing it hard enough.”

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

Michael Heagerty will be the Test Pilot at the Carousel Manufacturing Plant. Play that scene in your mind haha. Boots, spurs, chaps, cowboy hat, bull whip and chewin’ tobacco.
If it ain’ broke, Michael hasnt ridden it yet =)

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With the unlimited resources of the railroad, that would be a form of heaven for me =)

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I may not be that smart, or good looking, or funny, athletic, talented, … I forgot where I was going with this

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David, when that happens to me I just generally go to lunch. Just ask anybody, they’ll tell ya… " He’s almost always ‘Out To Lunch’."

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radyes's Avatar

Cute!

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William,
Kat said to smack ya upside the head. I’ll try and locate someone to do it when you get back from “out to lunch” =)

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<

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<

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Kathleen… you’re just waaaayyyy too eager. : /

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This skinny girl just told me she “FORGETS” to eat??
Is that even possible?
I just licked her face in case it’s contagious =)

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Hey Michael!

Why did the elephant wear red nail polish?

So it can hide in cherry trees.

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joekur's Avatar

A couple more Steven Wright gems (as I remember them):

“I bought instant water, but I didn’t know what to add.”

“My apartment has this light switch on the wall that doesn’t do anything. Sometimes when I walk by I flick it on and off just for the heck of it. Yesterday, a woman from Germany called and told me to knock it off.”

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If you ever get attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.

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“I want to die quietly, in my sleep, like my grandpa did. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.”

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Good one David, good one. LoLoL

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He told her “guns make me uncomfortable”.. She told him “I think we should both see other men”

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I like the calendar with the spiked baseball bat. LoL

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I still have a lot of growing up to do. I realized this while I was hiding in my fort last night.

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THE POWER OF BELIEVING IN ONE’S FRIENDS

A contestant, Sally, on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire ?’ had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, ’Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds ?

Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.
All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: ’That’s easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.’

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her.
And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

‘I need an answer,’ said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, ‘C: The cuckoo.’

‘Is that your final answer ?’

‘Yes, that is my final answer.’

And Meredith replied, ‘That answer is… absolutely correct ! You are now a millionaire !’

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

‘Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,’ said the contestant. ‘How did you happen to know the right answer ?’

‘Oh, come on,’ said the blonde.
‘Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.’

Sally fainted.

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Michael, I guess it depends on what State you live in???

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HaHa! That’s what I always tell people when they ask what State I’m in.

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I walk around like everything is fine. I smile. But way down .. deep down inside ..
my sock is sliding down in my boot.

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I hate when that happens!

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Michael, don’t tell me you wear socks with Sandals and Flip Flops! Because for one, you can see how they make one ankle skinnier than the other and one foot smaller than the other.

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I’m happy to hear that, Michael!

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A police officer called the station on his radio.
“I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“Not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

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LOL !! like that one Kathleen, thanks !

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A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

• Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

• Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who’s motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

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What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing; it just waved.
________

What did the shore say to the ocean?

“Stop lapping at me!”

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HaHa Joseph…I like those!!!

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Kathleen very nice, you made me hungry :)
Joeseph, how can you keep a straight face when telling those?:)

Ok there was eagle flying from tree to tree as a couple good friends rafted, down the river. One asked, Wasn’t that a Bald eagle? Ther other replied I believe so. I think I saw him pulling his feathers over to the one side of his head, as he passed us.

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, “I’m sorry, but we can’t sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat.” So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn’t buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.” The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, “That smells like crap.” . . . The lady replied, “It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper.”

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

LAUGH OUT LOUUUUUUD!!

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Look, I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman. I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together.

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Look, I’m not saying I’m David Heath. I’m just saying no one has ever seen David Heath and I in the same room together.

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It’s true. (Insert Perry Mason theme music here)

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(raising hand)….THAT’S ME !!! THAT’S ME!!!! LOLOLOL!!!!

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Oh, you guys!

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

DIRTY joke =)
It’s Williams fault

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Yeah, William…this is the ‘Clean’ Joke Thread!

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Thanks for the laughs you guys!! :)

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LOLOL !!! That’s good one Kathleen !! LOLOL !!!

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Hey David…though you are lookin’ good with this Avatar picture…how about changing that Avatar to your FB Avatar…give the EN women the same eye candy that you’re giving the FB women!

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“Eye Candy”??? HAHAHAA!!!

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There Ya Goooo! All of the EN Ladies can thank me for that! LOL!

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inovate's Avataree_badge

Kathleen, leave it to you to turn back the hands of time:)
David, Is your hat on backwards?

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“An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ’Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times"…

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David lol that’s why they call this the clean joke thread my friend. LIKE BUTTON

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LIKE” =)

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Like =) Like equals happy face Right on

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Really good one David, That one got my funny bone goin’ this morning ! Thanks for the post.

Thought it was so good that I emailed it to my wife. She’s platinum but not platinum blonde so she’’ll easily understand it.

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stephanieb's Avatarg8_badge

=)

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We’ve reached “PLATINUM” level! cOOliO! =)
Right on, Aloha Charlie! LIKE
We need a “cOOliO” button

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How’s this for a ‘cOOliO’ button?

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rockwayheath63's Avatar

That’s COLD man. Ice cOOliO

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Did you know?
A candles flame smells like burning nose hairs

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David, it only smells like burning nose hair if you get too close.
Otherwise, just ask your wife.
Wimenz knoez deez tingz.

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Wimenz “nose” deez tingz?

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